I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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