I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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