If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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