He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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