My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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