a queef is a wish your heart makes.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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