god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
