i think my tv is drunk
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
