I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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