My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Randomize
