You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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