At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize