I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
