I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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