I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
