My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize
