I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i drank out of a bidet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
