I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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