I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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