dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
