apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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