Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
