apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
