On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
