i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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