Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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