me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
