I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
