I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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