i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
