I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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