Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
