There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
At least life still wants to fuck me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
