So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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