some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
