dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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