I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
