I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
