Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
