I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
