she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
