Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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