conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
