i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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