were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize