I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
