just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
