my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize