I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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