I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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