Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
