remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
