Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
