Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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