I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
