The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My vagina is officially offended.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
