had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I am midnight drunk by noon
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
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