its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
