You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
